When Dying Wasn't the End of the Story

Continued from Episode 9...

Welcome back, friends. Last week I left off telling the story of when I went into the intensive care unit and they wanted to put me in a ventilator and I refused. Now, this is Hope Blvd. So just know that although this is sort of a hard story to tell, hopefully there'll be some things that will provide hope for you or inspire you in some way. And that's the whole purpose. So that's why I tell this story. Although this is one of the climaxes of my journey, it serves a purpose to be sharing this with you today. So I'm really looking forward to sharing the rest of it. All right, we'll move on to the intro and then get back to it.

Welcome

And this is episode number 10. I have been waiting to be able to say that. For some reason, I just wanted to be able to say episode 10. I wanted to get to those double digits, and here we are. So for those of you who have joined me for most or all of these episodes so far, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm really happy you're here. Yeah, this is great. So, okay, episode 10. Now the next goal is episode number 100. All right, we will celebrate then. So in the meantime, you know, I know there's more story to tell and more of my journey to tell. And this part of the journey is really one of the climaxes of my story, of this whole journey of me being paralyzed and the suffering and all of it. So thank you for being here, friends. Let's continue. Well, once the nurse tried to convince me to give permission for the ventilator, I knew it was pretty serious. And by this time, to be honest, I was so sick. I mean, just to remind you, I had gone into intensive care, I was diagnosed with influenza A, influenza B, pneumonia, pleural effusion, a partially collapsed lung, my diaphragm was not even in its right place. And I was loaded with blood clots. And just as a reminder from last week, when I asked the doctor how many blood clots, he said, too many to count. So I guess it was no wonder I wasn't breathing well. But yet this doctor from the nursing home refused to even give me a urinalysis or any lab work or anything. He never even came in to lay eyes on me. He didn't believe I was sick. Certainly not sick enough, all because I didn't have a fever. Okay, note to anybody out there sometimes people are sick when they don't have a fever. In fact, I was more than just kind of sick. I was dying. I was dying. And for some reason, I was the last to know. But thank God my husband Rob realized something was really wrong. And he started to grow more and more concerned. And, you know, somebody was paying attention. So I was really grateful for that. Um yeah, unfortunately, Rob has had a lot of practice, you know, watching me in a hospital bed and knowing when things get really bad. So I'm glad he was there, that's for sure. And he was at my side every day.

ICU

So there I was in the intensive care unit. They wanted to place me on a ventilator, and I said no, because this was, I think it was just barely three years after COVID. And, you know, I just had heard about too many people and knew a couple of people who had died while being on a ventilator. And I just didn't want to face that. And as I said last week, it's it may not be the right answer for everyone, but that was the answer I chose for me at the time. And in my case, I'm glad I did. Here's the best part of this story. Okay, first, it's not real great right now. I'm gonna tell a really sad part right here, and then and then it'll get good. Um, this part was pretty traumatic actually.

The Ventilator

The nurse informed me that I needed to be on the ventilator because I was already on 60 liters of oxygen at 100%. I was wide open, as high as they could take it, and the only thing they could do to help me breathe better was to put me on a ventilator and get some help with breathing because it wasn't looking very good. And so when I told the nurse I didn't want a ventilator, she asked me if I wanted to sign a do not resuscitate order. And I said no. Um, I didn't exactly want to die. I just didn't want to be on a ventilator, and I didn't think that that was I don't know, it just didn't look promising for me at the time. So she told me she could wait a few more minutes and we would talk about it again. But when she came back, my answer hadn't changed. I still refused the ventilator. And at that point she said, Geri, you really need to do something here. We need to make a move because you're not breathing on your own. And I just looked at her and I said, Give me five minutes. She said, Okay. She walked out into the hallway and she had a conversation with my family again and informed them that they needed to prepare to say goodbye to me because I wasn't expected to make it.

The Miracle

When she left the room and I asked her to give me five minutes, it was because I knew I hadn't yet really talked to God about this. And I needed those five minutes to know exactly what to do. And I had a very brief conversation with God, and I said, God, I am so tired. This is at least the third time that I've been in intensive care in the last several months, and I have really suffered, and I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired, and the thought of going on a ventilator doesn't seem promising to me. So I'm asking you, I'm begging you, if this is where I end my time on earth, then call me home. Because if today is the day that I get to see the face of Jesus, then this will be the greatest day of my life. So it's not a bad deal. So I'm ready. I will miss my family like crazy, although you say that you'll take care of that on your end, right? I'm not going to have any sorrow or anything in heaven. So, and these were the things going through my mind. So I said, God, either call me home and let me see the face of Jesus, or heal me quickly and get me out of this bed so that I can be about my father's business. About that time, the nurse walked back in. Right after I had my little chat with God. She looked at the oxygen and she said, Wait a minute, wait a minute, something's happening here. Geri, the oxygen here, it's it's moving. And let's just wait a couple more minutes and let's see what happens. I knew it was gonna happen. I knew it was already happening, and I knew exactly who was in charge. So she came back a couple minutes later and she said, We don't need a ventilator. You're starting to breathe on your own. These numbers continue to improve. At that point, now, mind you, I'm lying flat in a hospital bed in intensive care unit. I can't move from the neck down. But in my mind, this is how I responded to God when the nurse said, We're not gonna need that ventilator. I looked up to the ceiling, to the sky, and I said, Really, God, I am this close to heaven and you yank me back. But honestly, I knew that I knew that it was gonna be okay. I knew I was so sick, I knew I had never been that ill before. And for the first time, I knew I was dying. But not this day. Not this day. God had another plan. And I never doubted after that that I wouldn't get up and walk. I knew that whatever plan God had, I mean, he didn't come down and say, hey, Geri, guess what? You know, you're gonna walk, and here's the plan. No, he didn't consult with me. God is not in the business of consulting with me. So I am just so grateful that I got to witness how things unfolded and the way that they unfolded. And I continued to improve and I eventually got better and was able to leave the intensive care unit and eventually I was able to leave the hospital. And so it was a glorious experience. It really was. As sick as I was, as difficult as it was, I will never forget. I will never forget that I was dying and that I was never more close to the end of my time here on earth as I was on that day. And then I was able to leave the hospital.

Huge Disappointment

Unfortunately, they could not release me to go back home. I had planned to go home. And that was a huge disappointment. For some insurance purposes, for whatever reason, the hospital could not release me from the hospital to home. They had to release me back to the facility that sent me there in the first place. So that meant I was going back to the nursing home with that very negligent doctor to the place that would not care for me and that was ready to just watch me die. Actually, the doctor wouldn't have watched me die because he never walked in the room. He never laid eyes on me in the first place. I have such empathy for people who are in extended care facilities without people to advocate for them. That's a whole nother story. But I have such empathy, and it just brings such sadness to think about the people who were in that facility and many other facilities around the country, around the world, where they weren't being cared for. My family was there every day. My husband was at my bedside every day advocating for me fiercely, and this still happened to me. It shouldn't have. But it did. So the thought of going back there, my goodness. I have to tell you, I was pretty uh, I was pretty upset. I was distraught. My family even cried about it. They felt terrible that they had to send me back. And they promised me. I remember my daughter Amy saying, Mom, you are not going to stay there. You are not. We are working to bring you home and you're going to be. And I I interrupted her and said, How long? How long am I going to have to be there? And she and my husband Rob, and Mick and Josh, they were all at the house working really hard to get me home, to get everything ready. Believe me, there were there's a lot to bringing someone home that's now disabled. Life is different. There's a lot to prepare. So when I asked my family, how long do I have to go back there? They said, We're going to move as fast as we can. And if it's a week or two, however, and I said, Oh my goodness, a week or two, there's no way. There's no way. I don't want to be there one night. But they understood that.

The Administrators and Hospice

While I was there (at the nursing home), I don't think they realized that we were planning to go home as soon as we were. And when I had gotten back to the nursing home, I saw three administrators walk in the door. Okay, I knew something was up because why are three administrators? It's one thing to have one of them come in, but to have three come in at once. So I figured they were going to update me about something. And, you know, they were pleasant. They tried to be compassionate, some of them more than others. They came in to tell me that they were recommending that I be placed on hospice. And I asked them, Are you telling me that there's no hope? And the one person said, Yes, Geri. That's what we're saying. But hospice will make you comfortable. And I said, So you don't think I'm going to survive this? And they looked at me sort of with blank stares, but they had to be honest and tell me, yeah, this is really serious, and we understand that, yeah, I think they hemmed and hauled a little bit, but they they did their job, I guess.

Medication Downgrade

While I was there, I was on about 30 different medications, some of them multiple times a day. I mean, I was on a lot of medication. And I had asked one of the professional caregivers there to please get me a list of all the meds and how often I was taking them. She did. And I asked her to go over the list with me. And as she read each medication off to me, I would tell her to keep it or delete it. One by one. We got the list down to about 10 or 12 medications. And she asked if I was sure. And I said, Oh yeah, I'm sure. I'm not going to be drugged up. I'm not going to be this drowsy. And I know I'm in pain, but I'm going to work on enduring more. I had been doing a pretty good job, to be honest. But I just wanted to do better. I wanted, I was motivated to get off of as much medicine as I could. So the opioids, and believe me, when you're on when you have porphyria, opioids is something that is pretty common. But I was on pretty few of them by this point. And I wanted to be off of them completely, if at all possible. So she asked me if I was sure I wanted to cut that list. And I said I was sure. And that I would be discussing with my doctors why I wanted to cut them. And I had pretty good reasons why I didn't think it was anything that was going to be detrimental. I didn't think anything was really going to put me at risk. So I just didn't want to be drugged up or drowsy. I realized the medications were there to help me to be comfortable while I was in such a severe state. But I meant business and I was getting my voice back, so to speak, and I was becoming more assertive again. Basically, I was becoming more like me. So those of you who know me, I was starting to get my voice back.

Holding On To Hope

Look, I can move my finger a little. Um, because I was proud of that. That was hope to me. I was hanging onto that, that that was a sign of hope. I didn't know if it was for sure, but I was gonna bleed it for all it had. So when I told them, but look, I can move my finger. And they just looked at me. And that's when I said, So are you telling me that you think there's no hope? And they said, Yes, that's what we're saying. And I just paused for a moment and I looked at them and I said, I'm a firm believer that there is always hope. Always, and I won't be needing hospice. I told them that I would discuss this, that I would discuss with my family our conversation, and my husband would get back to them, and he did, and told them I'm not going on hospice and that they were bringing me home. And I believe it was two days later I wasn't home. Hallelujah. I was grateful.

A New Level Of Grateful

Let me tell you, when you come from something like that, gratefulness takes on a whole new meaning. A whole new meaning. It's it's not the kind of grateful, like, oh, you know, I'm really happy for this situation, and I appreciate it very much. And I think God was looking out for us, and that was really nice. So thank you, God. No, no, no, no, no. This kick it up 14 notches and then start there. You know, this is the kind of grateful of I am going home. After almost eight months, I was going home. I couldn't believe it. And they were yeah, man, it was so hard when we got home because there was no help. We it was just me and Rob. And our kids were here for a little bit, but I mean, they had to leave. So they all had to get back to work. They had been at our house for a week or longer trying to get it ready for me to come home. So they all had to go back out of state for my daughter and her family, and just get back to their life a little bit. I was really grateful for everything that they did, all of them. And Mick lived closer to us at the time, but he was available if we picked up the phone, and we really tried not to do it unless we really needed it. But in the beginning, we really we had called him several times because we were desperate. Honestly, we didn't have any help when we got home. And there were some, oh my word, there were some of the most lovely, beautiful people who showed up for us. It's a whole other story.

I'm Not Cooking For Them

There are such beautiful people in the world. We have a community around us, our neighbors, the people around this golfing community who stepped up. And I'm talking more than meal trains, although the meals came, and oh my word, some of these people, how they can cook. I will never cook for any of them ever again. Well, I never really did, I guess, but I will never cook for any of these people. They are like master chefs compared to me. There is no way I'm cooking for any of them. I would love to reciprocate in some way at some point, but it won't be cooking. I won't do it because the meals that we received from these people were unbelievable. And multiple times a week. So, oh my god, they're just so lovely. And people from our church, and people just there's so many stories. There are so many stories. It's an endless amount. All right, and that wraps that up for today.

Next Week

I'm going to finish up the rest of this story next week. And just when you think I'm home for good and everything's looking better, well, there's one more emergency, and I will talk more about that next week. I'll also have a couple of other things to share, including my fake take. And thank you so much, all of you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for listening. It means the world to me. And I appreciate it if you share it. I appreciate your time.

Counseling and Contact Me

One more note I want to add is for those of you who don't know, I am a counselor and a coach. And if you're ever interested in working with me, I can help you move forward. Just go to my website at gericarlson.com, that's g-e-r-i- carlson dot com, and request a free 15-minute call to briefly share with me about your issue and to see if I'd be a good fit for you. You can also go to hopeblvd.org and go to the contact page. All right, I will leave links in the show notes.

Thank you for listening!

All right. Thank you again for being here. I'm gonna look forward to seeing you next week. So until our peps meet again, make it a great day for you and someone else. And remember, friends, there is always hope. Always. Bye for now.