When You Don’t Recognize Yourself Anymore; Remaining Relevant

Speaker 0:08

People want to feel relevant. They want to be relevant. Today I'm talking about my first steps in more ways than one. Come on, friends, let's dig in. Welcome to Hope Blvd. I'm Geri Carlson, and I am so glad you're here. If this is your first time here, we are about all things hope, faith, and determination. And if you're a returning listener, I'm grateful for that. Thank you all for being here. There's a lot to talk about. Let's get started.

Speaker 0:45

Are you at a place where you don't recognize yourself anymore? Or maybe you don't feel relevant? I assure you, you are relevant. You are a valuable, beautiful human created for a purpose. While I was paralyzed, and even during much of my recovery, I couldn't have felt less relevant. My body in the deteriorating state it was in made sure of it. But that feeling was wrong. Even if I remained paralyzed indefinitely, I was relevant. I was determined to press on even when I didn't feel like it.

Speaker 1:27

When I was hospitalized, I had a private room most of the time. There were no mirrors at my eye level except for the bathroom, which I never used. They mostly had me lying at a 30-degree incline, so I wasn't able to see my face in the one small mirror that was sitting on the counter. After two months in the hospital, I was almost unrecognizable. I became severely malnourished and lost a lot of weight. My hair fell out in clumps. I learned a harsh reality that led me to hold on to my true identity and remember who I am and was. It was exhausting, but so necessary to keep focused on what I knew to be true and what I know God has shown me in the past.

Speaker 5:24

When life changes so drastically and quickly, and you have to fight to get your life back, or some form of it, it's easy to lose perspective, especially when minutes turn into months or years. Reality suddenly looks different. Now, my family did the extras for me when I wanted, like brush my hair, brush my teeth, and anything else they or I would think of. But in those days, I didn't want people fussing over me, even if it was to help me look presentable. I wasn't focused on that for a change. For one thing, I didn't want visitors. My family had their hands full and their priorities were right. The emphasis was on communication with the list of specialists and nurses, along with tending to my comfort measures and pain relief. They spent quality time with me and they did a stellar job.

Speaker 6:29

I have a collection of humiliating human moments while paralyzed, one of them involving a nurse communicating to me that I needed a shower. As if I was in control of that. It was in the care plan that I would receive three showers per week, but it just didn't happen. I did receive bed baths. It turns out it's quite an ordeal to give a quadriplagic a shower while lying flat on a gurney. That's an experience. I was basically on my deathbed, according to some. If you had told me that I would go months without doing my hair, I would have told you there's no way I could ever be that sick. But it happened.

Speaker 7:11

As important as it was for me to have good hair days, that was deduced to a lower position on the totem pole. They occasionally used dry hair shampoos while I was bedridden. The days of giving my hair a good blowout with my upgraded salon products seemed to be behind me. For now, my identity as I knew it had become questionable. When basic human needs are beyond our control, we will shift our focus in an effort to cope. I was too sick to care about what I looked like. And even though my husband would tell me I was beautiful, I glimpsed in that mirror, and I'm sorry if this is too graphic. I saw what looked like a corpse. I could hardly believe that was me. But I couldn't allow it to consume my thoughts. My focus had to be elsewhere. I've learned this over the years. I've taught this for many years. I know changing my mindset is effective because I use it and I live it. I knew that if I were to wallow in the thoughts of that corpse in the mirror, I might not come back from it. I chose to pivot my feet and look beyond that moment that could otherwise be defining. I wasn't in denial. I was being mindful, intentional of my choices. The words are important here. I chose to change my focus. I chose to look elsewhere for hope. Hope is always there, even if it's not visible at first, even if it looks to be not alive.

Speaker 8:55

Sometimes the road back is long and bumpy. As is my inquisitive nature, I often wonder what God is up to. What is he thinking? And how will this story end? What's the purpose, Lord? I trust him. I don't have to like the situation, but I trust him with my life. And he delivers. God is who he says he is. It's important to note that I believe it is perfectly fine to ask God questions as long as we don't question the character of God. His purpose as I know it so far is for me to share that there is always hope. Almighty God saw me through the pain and suffering and the stillness. It's a little easier speaking today about my past trauma and about my very rare blood disorder, very gay porphyria.

Speaker 9:51

Today my pain is milder, somewhat managed, and I'm not lying in the bed paralyzed. If I was sharing my story during the most traumatic time, I would probably be more emotional. I don't think I could even get through it. But make no mistake, I'm still the same person I was then. Well, hopefully a little wiser and stronger in some ways. So I've had time to process this long ordeal.

Speaker 10:24

A couple of months after I got home, I was still paralyzed from the neck down. Rob arranged for me to begin home physical therapy sessions with a wonderful physical therapist who worked with me doing exercises from my bed. She moved my legs and arms for me. After several weeks, she finally got me to sit up on the side of the bed and eventually stand up. Until one day, with the use of a tall, upright walker and some assistance from Rob, she helped me take my first steps. I have to admit, I wasn't sure how that was going to be possible, but I was always up for the challenge. Anything to help me get stronger and be able to walk again. Those first steps, 30 in all, were thrilling. The PT held on to me with a gait belt with one hand and held on to the upright walker with the other as I wrapped my crooked fingers around the hand grips of that walker, resting my arms on the armrests, and Rob walking closely behind with a wheelchair in case I became weak or needed to stop, which eventually happened. They were tiny steps, perhaps more like a shuffle. But I pushed myself and we did it. It was a new day, and I was grateful. I had prayed for this for nearly a year. The hope of walking one day was becoming a reality. I had been determined, but this event motivated me to persevere even more. I'll never forget that day, and the redheaded physical therapist.

Speaker 12:07

Having the encouragement and help from others was monumental. Eventually, Rob hired an additional physical therapist and other home health care professionals. It seemed almost silly at first, the way they would have me move my limbs as if those simple exercises would ever amount to anything as significant. But with time and repetition, those simple movements made a difference. I was even starting to feed myself.

Speaker 12:34

I began to slowly progress and gain a little strength. I began to feel more relevant. I've always had lofty expectations for my appearance. It was certainly important for my hair to look good and for my clothes not to bring too much negative attention to myself. If my house wasn't picked up, I probably wouldn't let you in. And I certainly wanted my work, my mission to be represented well. All of those things speak to my appearance and they make me feel relevant. They tell you who I am. But sometimes we can take that to unhealthy levels. Today I let people into my home, even when it doesn't look as put together as I'd like. I will say I still want my hair to look good, especially now that it's starting to grow back. For a while, I thought I was going to have to wear a wig. I have some limitations with my hands that make it challenging to style my hair as I'd like today, but I manage. And it's enough. I've had to alter my expectations these past couple of years, but I'm still relevant. I'm still me. Maybe a new form of me, but I'm definitely Geri. I'm just a slightly modified version, physically speaking, anyway.

Speaker 13:56

Paralysis and disabilities don't get to define me. Others can think of me what they want, but I don't allow space in my mind to see me differently. I see myself through the eyes of God. I'm imperfect. I'm a sinful creature. And I'm also a young-ish grandma who wants desperately to run with my grandchildren through the park. Those types of frolics will happen someday, perhaps not till eternity, as my physical abilities have some limitations right now. I can go to the park, there just won't be any running involved. But I'll be present with them in whatever way I can. I want my grandchildren to know how much they are loved unconditionally. I want them to know who they are and that they have a risen savior.

Speaker 14:46

You are relevant. Don't ever believe anyone who makes you feel less than. Put effort into being mindful and making hard choices. Press through the hurt. When things are hard, but you know they're right, move forward. Do it hard. You can do it. And ask God for his strength. When you're doubting yourself or you aren't feeling great, remember who you are and whose you are. God is merciful and just and kind. When bad things happen, I am still the child of the king. Nothing will change that as long as I've accepted Jesus. It doesn't keep us from suffering. But I encourage you, friends, don't turn your back on him in hard times. That's the time to run to the Father and then stay there. Praise Him. Almighty God has your back, and He is always there for you.

Speaker 15:48

My faith take today comes from Romans 12, verse 2. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. It took the renewing of my mind to be able to accept God's will and to work with what I have. Things aren't perfect yet. Not at all what I was hoping for, but God is perfect. And I trust that he will make his plan perfect in the end. If I'm focused on my world today, it could be depressing. But I am focused on and living for eternity, for my ultimate home in paradise. I'm heaven focused. Our time on this earth is limited, and the clock is ticking. Heaven is for eternity and it will be grand without suffering, without sadness. Sometimes we need to take a good look in the mirror. If you see the person looking back isn't what you expect, take some quiet time with God.

Speaker 17:02

What is within your control to make necessary changes? What seems beyond your control? Take some quiet time with Almighty God and ask him for direction. He'll make his way known. In the meantime, continue talking to him and be mindful of what you can do today that will help you get closer to your goal. You can do this. And never forget that you are relevant. I hope this is helpful. I'd love to hear from you.

Speaker 17:33

If this episode is encouraging, please share it with someone. Thank you so much for listening. Will you take a second to hit the thumbs up button? I'd appreciate it so much. Until our paths meet again, make it a great day for you and someone else. And remember, friends, there is always hope. Always. Bye for now.